Liquid Courage
by saichick-Anna-Erishkigal
Summary: A little drabble about what's going through Tony's mind during the loathsome drunk scene in IM2.  Still want to slap the Marvel writers!  An angsty psychological case study.  Spoilers.  A Pepperony one-shot.


Story: Liquid courage…  
Author: saichick  
Challenge: Pepperony 100  
Theme: 030 Drink  
Rating: PG-13

Timeline: IM2

_Preview: Just a little drabble to explore what's going through Tony's mind during the loathsome drunk scene in IM2 (still want to slap the Marvel writers). An angsty psychological case study. Spoilers. A Pepperony one-shot._

He kept trying to tell her … but he just couldn't find the words.

How do you tell someone you love them? And oh-by-the-way, you're also dying. In what had to be the cruelest twist of fate imaginable, he had used his intellect to save his own life and escape only to discover the very technology he had invented to keep himself alive was also slowly killing him.

When Pepper had surprised him at the dance by leaning in to kiss him, he had hesitated. Not because he didn't want to kiss her, but because after 10 years of circling each other like wrestlers in a ring, they had come to an accommodation. He flirted, she resisted. He needed her, and for some reason she stuck by him. Although he desired her, he was afraid to do anything to drive her away. If he slept with her and then fell short of her expectations, he would lose her. Thus for 10 years, they had been in a standoff. It took 3 months in a cave to realize what had been under his nose all along. The reason no woman could satisfy him, no woman was ever invited back to his bed for a second night, was because they weren't _her._ Sometimes, he thought to himself, for a genius, you can be pretty damned slow!

Now, he didn't want to burden her with his illness. After all. He was Tony Stark. Genius extraordinaire. He would find a solution to this problem. He was sure of it. He had solved worse problems with far fewer resources in the past. But every day his palladium levels kept climbing and he felt sicker and sicker. He had tried everything, and nothing had worked.

If Pepper was going to love him, let it be for all the good things he could give her, not because she pitied him. The thought of her crying over him the way she had cried when he was in Afghanistan was more than he could bear. If he had been a better man, he would have pushed her away. Distanced himself and gone away so she wouldn't see him get sicker and sicker with no hope of recovery. But he just couldn't bear the thought of losing her completely. The best he was able to come up with was a compromise. Push her just far enough away and keep her busy by making her CEO so she didn't have time to notice his health was failing. Let it be a surprise when he was suddenly gone. A sharp, quick wound that would heal quickly, he hoped, especially as he had rewritten his will to leave her his fortune.

The problem was that his heart was telling him something completely different. He couldn't live without her. He had thought he was perfectly healthy when he tried to ask her to be his superhero girlfriend the day of the "I Am Iron Man" announcement. He still held out hope for a technological breakthrough that would save his life most of the time he had known he was sick, so he had pulled out all the stops to try to woo her. She resisted, of course, the way she always had because she didn't believe he was serious. But once he had made up his mind, Tony Stark only wanted one woman.

Then he found out his death was inevitable and it all went to hell in a hand basket.

He would push her away, but he would miss her. He would manufacture excuses to get close to her again, and she would resist but circle closer. Then he would realize how cruel he was being to drag her into his … his DEATH … and he would push her away again. And so the cycle went on over and over. He realized this constant push-pulling was hurting her, but he couldn't stop. He was having a hard time coming to grips with his impending death himself.

But after Monaco, after Vanko had tried to kill him, he realized he needed to come clean. Part of him was disappointed Vanko hadn't succeeded. If only Pepper hadn't risked her life to bring him the suit... At least then his death would have been quick. Pepper wouldn't have to watch him waste away. He would have died a hero.

Pepper didn't understand why he was behaving so erratically. He was hurting her. And he was afraid. Afraid of dying alone without ever telling Pepper the way he felt about her, had felt about her for quite some time. He didn't know if she felt the same way about him, but at the very least, he knew she was the best friend he had ever had. He realized he didn't want to pass quietly into that dark night without her at his side holding his hand. He knew this would cause her pain, made him a coward, but he no longer felt like Iron Man. He just felt like a very ordinary, insignificant, frightened mortal man who didn't want to die alone.

He tried to tell her on the plane ride home … but she wouldn't listen, wouldn't let him speak. She was angry with him. Angry for needlessly putting his life in danger. Angry for his erratic behavior. Angry because he had been bouncing off her emotionally like a rubber ball for the past 6 months and she was exhausted. Angry because, the night of the dance when she had finally dropped her guard, he had hesitated. Angry because she didn't understand why he had been behaving like such an ass.

Celebrating the last birthday he was ever going to have without anybody else knowing was just too much. He had been forced to go cold-turkey in Afghanistan and had only imbibed slightly since his return, but tonight, he just wanted to forget. The scotch felt good as it burned its way down his throat. He wanted to forget everything. Forget Afghanistan. Forget he was dying. Forget Pepper was angry with him right now. Forget the terrible empty feeling in his heart as he contemplated his own demise. The fact he would die alone without ever having made anything meaningful of his life. Warmth from the scotch radiated out from his belly as he downed a second, then a third. It didn't make the pain go away, but it made it blurry, more diffuse. He just wanted to forget. For the first time in nearly a year, he downed a fourth, fifth, and sixth drink. How hypocritical … a party celebrating his birth when death was staring him in the face!

He had no recollection about how he had ended up upstairs, with the guests, on a stage in his Iron Man suit. Nor could he recall how many drinks he had had. All he could remember was the horrified look on Pepper's face as she walked into the mansion and saw the state he was in. He hadn't told her, so she didn't understand. As he could have predicted, Pepper tried to rein him in.

As she walked up onto the stage, all he could think about was how beautiful she was and the secret in his heart, the secret he had been trying to tell her for months. She took the microphone away from him and announced the party was over. The scotch burned in his blood like liquid courage, removing the artificial barricades he had built up over 10 years to prevent his feelings from escaping. The feelings he had so carefully hidden from her, to protect her, to protect himself, just welled up in his heart and spilled right out his mouth.

"I love you," he leaned in and murmured in her ear, the alcohol slurring his words.

Pepper had frozen in disbelief. For a moment that stretched out for an eternity, he thought she might reciprocate his feelings, but then the room had gone topsy-turvy as he stumbled.

"Tony, you're drunk," she had snapped.

"I love you," he said again, this time leaning into the microphone so the hundreds of people assembled at the party could hear. If he was going to tell her how he felt, he wanted to make sure the entire world knew it.

She backed away from him.

"Give me a kiss…" he pleaded. The room was spinning. He was having trouble keeping his balance.

Pepper was furious! She didn't believe him. Either that, or perhaps he had been mistaken thinking she reciprocated his feelings? Perhaps Pepper felt nothing for him at all. Pepper grabbed the microphone out of his hand and told his guests to leave. Tony didn't want them to leave. This was the last birthday he was ever going to have. He was scared. He didn't want to die alone! He should have realized it would anger her further, but his thinking was too muddled to think things through. He asked his guests to stay.

What happened next, he couldn't recall. All he knew was that his Mach 2 suit was gone, the mansion was in ruins, and Pepper wasn't returning his calls. Rhodey wasn't returning his calls either, and the loyal Hogan had defected along with Pepper to work for Stark Industries. Natalie was really a secret agent sent to spy on him, and now that creepy Fury guy had locked him into his house with a box of his fathers' old stuff claiming the solution to his problems lay in the past.

All Tony Stark could remember about the night of the party was that he had finally gotten up the courage to tell Pepper Potts that he loved her, and she had rejected him. Then she left. Just as he had always feared she would.


End file.
